Originally published in Horizons Literary Magazine on 05/01/23
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Because. That’s not an answer. Because I said so. That’s not a good answer. Fine, because girls don’t. That’s a bad answer. That’s how it is. That’s not fair. That’s too bad.
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Stop fussing. I don’t want to wear that. Why not? I don’t like it. But it looks so nice. I don’t like it. Why don’t you like it? I dunno. We don’t have time for this. I don’t want to. Get dressed. No. Get dressed now.
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Because one is for the boys and one is for the girls. But why? Because They play differently. No they don’t. Yes they do. I want to play with the boys. You can’t. Why? You won’t be able to keep up. Yes I will. No you won’t. I do it all the time. This is different. Why is it different? It just is. But why? It wouldn’t be fair. It’s not fair now. Those are the rules. The rules are dumb. Stop whining.
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What on earth are you wearing? Clothes. Where did you get this? Do you like it? Did you find this in your father’s dresser? Yes. Take it off. Why? You look silly. No I don’t. Yes you do. I want to wear this. Absolutely not. Why? This is what you’re wearing. I don’t like that. I picked it out. I don’t want to wear that. Too bad. I want to wear this. You will not be leaving the house that way. Why? Go change. I don’t want to. Too bad. No. I’m not going to argue with you. No! Now.
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You won’t like it. Yes I will. It’s going to look terrible. No it won’t. What happens when you regret it? It’ll grow back. I’m saying no. It’s my hair. No. Why not? You’ll look like a boy. I don’t care about that. You will. No I won’t. I said no. So what if I look like a boy? That’s final. Why does this matter so much to you? Stop talking back.
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Everyone feels that way at first. I don’t like it. No one like it. It feels wrong. It always feels wrong. This is different. No it isn’t. Something is wrong. You don’t know what you’re talking about. It keeps getting worse. It will pass. What if it doesn’t? It will.
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Take that off. I don’t want to. Take it off now. Why? It’s too hot out. I’m fine. Take off the hoodie. No. You’re being ridiculous. I’m wearing this. Why? Because I want to. Why do you want to? You wouldn’t understand. Fine, when you’re miserable later don’t come whining to me. I won’t. We’ll see. Just leave me alone. I’m writing you up. Why? Talking back. That’s not fair. Be quiet.
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You don’t really feel that way. Yes I do. No you don’t. How would you know? You’re too young to know things like that. No I’m not. It’s a phase. No it’s not. Yes it is. You’ll grow out of it. No I won’t. Yes you will. What if I don’t? You will. What if I don’t want to? Go to your room. You’re not even listening. Now.
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Why not? I just don’t want to. Bullshit. Stop. This is because you don’t want to play with the other girls. Stop it. Why do you think you’re so much better than them? I don’t. Then why? Stop it. I’m not letting you quit. Just stop it. You’re still playing. No I’m not. I’m not letting you give up because of this nonsense. You don’t understand. I understand perfectly. You never even try to understand. You’ve always loved this. I don’t want it anymore. You worked so hard. I don’t want it. You’ll thank me one day.
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We don’t have time for this. I’m not changing. Why do you always do this? There’s nothing wrong with this shirt. We need to go. Let’s go then. Not until you change. This is what I’m wearing. No the hell it isn’t. I’m not changing it. How can you do this now? This is what I want to wear. It’s supposed to be a special occasion. I know. You’re supposed to dress nice. This is nice. No it isn’t and you know it. You bought this, you bought these pants and this shirt for me. They’re not for you to wear today. When were they for then? You put that fucking dress on now.
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It’s for your own good. How could you? You’ll thank me one day. I hate you. No you don’t. I hate you. You’re grounded. I fucking hate you. Watch your mouth. I can’t fucking believe this. I threw it out because I love you. You threw it out because you don’t fucking get it. You’re not to bring home another one, do you understand? I hate you. Go to your room now.
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It’s your name. No it isn’t. Yes it is. Not anymore. That’s stupid. It’s who I am. You can’t just change who you are. Yes I can. I’m not going to call you that. Then don’t talk to me. Really? Yes. You’re really serious? Yes. Fine.
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I don’t want you talking to those people anymore. Why? They’re a bad influence. They’re my friends. They’re hurting you. No they’re not. They made you like this. No they didn’t. You didn’t feel this way before. Yes I did. No you didn’t. I told you I did. No you didn’t. You didn’t even listen. Give me your phone. No. Now. I hate you. No you don’t. I hate you so fucking much. You’ll understand when you’re a mother yourself one day. That will never happen. This conversation is over.
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It’s traditional. It’s sexist. Calm down. I am calm. I don’t see what the problem is. It should be a choice. It’s never been a problem before. I want to wear the same color as the boys. I’m afraid that won’t be possible. It’s extremely possible. Unfortunately, it won’t be allowed. This is completely arbitrary. Well, I think you’re overreacting a little. What if I do it anyway? If you come to graduation in the wrong colored robe, you will not be permitted to walk. Then I’m not even going to come. That’s a little extreme don’t you think? No, I do not. Your graduation isn’t just for you, you know. Yes it is. It’s for your family as well. Too bad. Doesn’t that seem selfish to you? No. Your parents will be disappointed. Why is what they want still more important than what I want? It’s only for a few hours, I think you’ll survive. I’m not going to do it. I think you’ll reconsider. I will not reconsider. We’ll see.
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Do you like it? I hate it. You said you were sure. You didn’t do what I asked you to. What’s wrong? I wanted it shorter. I can’t take it any shorter. Yes you can. If I take it any shorter it’s going to start looking like a boy’s cut. That’s what I want. No you don’t. Yes I do. You think you do, but you really don’t. What are you talking about? Give it two weeks, if you still don’t like it come back then.
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We won’t be able to change it in the system. Why not? It has to display your legal name. Why? What do you mean? Why can’t it just have the legal name on the private documentation and my real name in the email? It’s not that simple. Why? They system isn’t really set up for this kind of thing. I can’t be the only person having this problem. You can just tell your teachers to call you something else. This still outs me to everyone. It’s not going to let me change it for you until you change your name legally. Then that needs to change. We’re working on it.
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Are you sure? Yes. How long have you felt this way? A long time. How long? Forever. As long as I remember. We’ll have to meet a few more times. Why? To make sure you’re sure. I’m sure. We’ll need to make sure. It’s just a little while. How long? It depends. On what? On how it goes. That doesn’t help me. I think it might. It’s just a few more sessions. How many? We’ll see.
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It’s such a shame. Why? You had such beautiful hair. I don’t care. It looks just awful. No it doesn’t. I can’t believe you did this. I’ve been talking about it for years. It’s going to take forever to grow back. I’m going to keep it short. You like it? Yes. It looks just awful.
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You’ll have to provide documentation. I did. You need more. Why? We have to be sure that you’re sure. I have proved that again and again. I’m sorry, you need to submit a few more documents first. Why aren’t the ones I have good enough? This is a big decision, there’s no going back. I am well aware of that. We need to know that you’re absolutely sure. Did you even read what I submitted. I’m afraid that’s not my department. Then I need to talk to that department. They don’t usually take public calls. Then who else can I take this to? You could appeal the decision, but they’re going to tell you the same thing. How do I do that? You’ll need more documentation.
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How long have you been on it? Why are you asking that? I just need to know. Why? For your records. Why are you asking now? Look, I just need to know how long you’ve been on it. What does that have to do with this problem? It might have an effect. What effect? Look, I can’t help you if you’re not going to cooperate. What would the difference be? It affects a lot of things, it could turn out to be relevant. What effect do you think it’s having on this? Look, I don’t know, but I need to know how long you’ve been on it.
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What the hell do you mean by that? Exactly what I said. You’re being ridiculous. You aren’t welcome to contact me again. Are you out of your fucking mind? Until you can respect that this is who I am, I don’t want to hear from you. Can’t we even talk about this? We have talked about it. When? We’ve talked about it a lot of times. I just don’t understand where this is coming from. That’s because you weren’t listening. How can you do this? Goodbye. Don’t you dare hang up on me.
Dramatic Pause 